Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
The beer is more important than you right now.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
