Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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