this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
