Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
