got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
