"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
