you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
