I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I look better un-naked...
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize