hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
