just come out here and I will go home with you...
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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