My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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