I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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