i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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