proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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