So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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