I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
