paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
