a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
