I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
