Already got asked if we're dating
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
