Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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