I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
