my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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