I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
