Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
