Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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