Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
