I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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