Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
