New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
