Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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