my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
