She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
