There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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