My room smells like vodka and shame
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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