you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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