i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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