The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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