So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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