Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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