I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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