My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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