Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
bring money and cleavage
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Of course I have a pirate flag
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
