I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
