so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Im just a social blackout drinker.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
