Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
