I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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