don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize