At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
