Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize