I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize