She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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