you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
