Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize