I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
