If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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