If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
