This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
