Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
