mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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