even my farts smell like vagina
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
