I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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